All 13 game Reviews


Troll Cannon 2 Troll Cannon 2

Rated 2 / 5 stars

LOLOLOLOLOLOL LE FUNNY MAYMAYS.

Godawful memes aside, the mechanics work, but there are so many other games that do the same, but better. Don't rely on unfunny and, frankly, shitty memes to try and net views from idiots. Make an original concept and make it work. Then people will love it. Or, rather, take an existing concept and build onto it. Don't make the same, only worse.



Harlem Shake Harlem Shake

Rated 0 / 5 stars

You know, I consider myself a relatively sane person. I may make suicide jokes often and have a sense of humor so black that you could sail ships through it can they'd get lost, but I am at least a semi-somewhat-maybe-a little-stable human being.

This game made me want to stab myself in the eyes, jump into oncoming traffic, drag my ruined corpse over the side of a bridge, hit a barge, wallow in the filth of the garbage and my own self-pity, before mercifully ending it all by summoning a meteor and obliterating myself and the planet.

I'm not exaggerating. This is probably one of the worst things that I've had the misfortune of playing. The graphics are atrocious. Yes, you went for "retro," but it was more or less for the sake of being cheap as all hell, not because of any stylistic choice. The sprites have little to no fucking animation! It was lazy! I mean, fuck, the main character only has two frames, and they're just fucking mirrored! The celebration sprite has four fucking frames, all mirrored! Every single character is a copy/paste of the others! EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. ONE. It's hideous!

The music makes me want to die. Not just because "Harlem Shake" is overused as fuck and pretty much goddamn annoying (at least to me, it is. But then again, I just hate most memes because I'm a curmudgeon), but because it's just...bad. Again, you went for Retro, missed the mark completely, except this time, instead of shitty artwork, you instead created ear rape.

And the gameplay...the gameplay is probably the worst part of the shitcake. And I do mean shitcake. The gameplay is a mockery of anything resembling "puzzles" and a "game." I mean, yes, this kind of game can be done right, but the controls don't feel good, the path is easy as fuck, and there is, and I fucking swear, an unreasonable time limit. I know that it's nice and difficult, and I do like difficulty, but setting us to a single, unchangeable speed and not allowing any way to beat some of these fucking levels in any kind of sane time limit? I mean, seriously, I stopped playing at level three!

It was at that point I started thinking to myself "Hey, maybe I don't need to get all these people to do this stupid fucking dance! As long as-OH WAIT NEVER MIND FUCKING HELL I NEED TO GET EVERYONE."

Add to that some outright broken coding (your mute. It's inconsistent. I mean if you can't even get your MUTE BUTTON RIGHT-)

Seriously, this is probably one of the worst cash-in games I have seen. It attempts to piggyback on a popular fad, but hey, guess what? It's a fad. It's going to go away very soon. Why? Because that's what fads fucking do.

Of course, I probably should have known what I was getting into. Your logo was horribly animated, dragged on for far too long, and had some of the most grating sound effects ever used stuffed into it.

I would offer some kind of constructive comment on top of all of this, but I can't think of anything to say other than this:

Stop.

Just.
Fucking.
Stop.

It's fucking lazy. It's fucking lazy and it shows. If lazy were a liquid, there would be a fucking massive river of it running from my screen and flooding my apartment. It's fucking lazy, and I hate it. It's fucking lazy, and you should hate yourself for it.


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Cathode Raybots Cathode Raybots

Rated 4.5 / 5 stars

This game. This fucking game. I fucking love this fucking game. Why do I fucking love this fucking game? I'll fucking explain why I fucking love this fucking game. Because why the fucking fuck not?

But seriously, brilliant concept. The idea of making custom bosses is simply brilliant. I cannot tell you how much of a blast it was to create a boss and set up a pattern for them to follow. It is simply a blast, and yes, it was more than worth it to see that pattern that I spent several minutes on being put onto an in-game robot.

The actual gameplay works just as well, with great movement. The controls are extremely tight. Like, Megaman levels of tight. It feels great to play, and the charge shot mechanic prevents spamming super powerful shots. With such nice controls, it should feel like the difficulty is pure and not-cheap, right? Right?!

Well, that's not so. Because Sturgeon's Revelation applies to everything, many of the user-created levels relied on vicious fake difficulty. The lack of a retry button was also annoying, as I couldn't retry beating that boss that kicked my ass just seconds before. Spamming is huge, and those black hole bombs are NGNNNNNNNNNGHHHHHHARHGGAAAAARGGGGGGGG GGGGGH-

But that's because of user-created content. That's a given, 90% of it is always going to be pure shit, but maybe preventing the knockback from the LOLBOMBSPAM from being so bad wouldn't have made it so annoying.

That said, the game is really solid. The controls are nice, many of the campaign bosses are very well-made, with patterns that can be seen and beaten with enough know-how and skill. I love the difficulty. I love the customization. I love the weapons and the art style, though customizing humans would have been a cool thing to do.

It's a solid game. One of the best around, and nothing's ever gonna bring it down until the next best game around.


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Talk Head Talk Head

Rated 4.5 / 5 stars

It's a lot of fun, and it's a great way to practice lip sync. Granted, the best way is just grabbing a copy of Flash and practicing there, this is still a really good way to try it out with very little consequence.

I loved playing with it. Nice job, guys.


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Randobot Randobot

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

Christ, that randomness. It was so infuriating at times...but it does add a bit of depth to the game. It makes running into battle like a fucking moron and throwing your life away that much more of a non-option. I liked it, even though it was absolutely infuriating at times. It was kind of like a dice roll in Dungeons and Dragons; you just have to hope that your luck doesn't run out.

Unfortunately, my luck is terrible, and that's not just because of the probability. Even with 95%, I was glitching half the time. It's like I was born with a rusty, tetanus-covered spoon.

Still, even with all the upgrades, the final level was a challenge. It was all skill there, and it relied on player ability alone. I liked that a lot, and I liked that death was caused by only one hit.

Still, randomness is fucking infuriating. The execution was great, but the idea leaves me kind of wary.



AirScape AirScape

Rated 3 / 5 stars

Now, the controls are slippery and the gravity mechanics are fine. The framerate's smooth and the graphics are nice. But there's just one little issue:

ZOOM OUT THE FUCKING CAMERA. You move too fast for you to see everything when you approach it. You're too fast, and you're too slippery to avoid everything coming at you. It's like you didn't want us to have fun while playing this game.

If it weren't for that niggling, annoying, giant-ass flaw, the game would be fun! But here, it's not. The camera's just too far in! I want to see ALL of my obstacles before I crash into them at fifty-fucking-miles per hour!


sqiddster responds:

You may manually zoom out, you must have missed the instructions on level 1-3!


Politricks Politricks

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

Mighty, your review has failed on all conceivable levels. You have not offered proper criticism, only a lot of right-wing political bullshit. You are a worthless piece of shit, and should feel as such.

Now to the proper review. The political message is ham-fisted, but that's besides the point. The actual gameplay is amusing and addictive, as are most other "UPGRADE TO GO FARTHER" games that seem to pop up so often. It's not innovative, nor does it go off into any new directions. The artwork is okay, but not outstanding, and the music is bland. However, it did its job well as a time waster, and I did have fun while playing it.

It's not the best, it's more mediocre than anything. However, considering what else is on this site at times, it's not bad. Keep improving and hopefully you won't have to rely on overblown political bollocks in order to give your game some substance.


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Super Adventure Pals Super Adventure Pals

Rated 5 / 5 stars

This is probably one the best games I've seen on NG in a while. The artwork's gorgeous, the music is fantastic, the script is funny while not being totally risque, it's just a blast to play through.

But what does it for me is the gameplay. The RPG elements are simple, yes, but that makes the actual levels matter more. The levels are still difficult no matter what you do in the game, and that's part of what helps. The game remains challenging without being unfair, and it takes real skill to get through these levels.

Not to mention the fact that it teaches through examples for many of the obstacles, only relying on text when totally necessary, such as with the grapplehooks in 2-1. (Died five times figuring out the first one. I'm an idiot.)

My only gripe is with jump controls. I would have liked a little more control over how high I jumped, but keeping it constant kind of adds a bit more of a challenge to the game. But it's only a minor footnote compared to the game's strengths.

I still haven't finished it yet, but I've already fallen in love with this game.


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Effing Worms 2 Effing Worms 2

Rated 3 / 5 stars

Okay. As it is, the game is fun. The game makes you feel like a world-destroying badass, and killing things is enjoyable. But there's just one problem: The game's too easy. The wings give you too much of an advantage, which unfortunately means that you could just saddle yourself up with an armor upgrade and breeze through the game.

That being said, the art is nice, as is the worm's design. The particle effects are nice, and blowing apart tanks, planes, and automobiles is appropriately crunchy. It really does make you feel invincible, but the game does start lagging because of how fucking enormous the worm gets.

It's a fun little cathartic game, but as an experience in and of itself, it suffers. Still had fun, but I want difficulty, dammit.



Intruder Combat Training Intruder Combat Training

Rated 4 / 5 stars

I actually liked this a lot. Because, well, GIBS GIBS GIBS GIBS GIBS GI-

But let's be honest. The game is very fun. Original, no, but the execution was great. The characters move at just the right pace as to force you to strategize, even if just for a short bit, and the weapons all have their little bits of power, though Quaid's machine gun takes me to pieces every time, haw haw.

Now, personally, I think that guns would have been better if they were all balanced with their own strengths and weaknesses, instead of, say, having Quaid's uber-super-ultra-point-at-shit-and-wa tch-it-die-machine-gun and running through the levels and killing everything. That being said, the game still handles difficulty well, and it all scales up while still feeling like you're progressing. Granted, it's the same kind of fake progression that many RPGs use, but it still felt like I was accomplishing something.

The art style isn't too terribly detailed, and the characters are kind of bland-looking, but the environments look fucking great. They're gritty and grimy, and the fact that there are a LOT of destructible objects here adds a bit of much-needed interactivity to the places. They feel less like giant boxes that you kill people in and much more like playgrounds of destructible objects. It was a blast.

Oh, and the gibs. They make up for all the character shortcomings. I liked that little bit of intestine hanging out of the torso. I must be a sick fuck.

Overall, it's a good game. The controls are good, you don't move too fast or too slow, and the IK and physics really make the animations in this game stand out. Everything moves great.

Still need to add a bit more polish, but as it is, it's a damn good game.


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