Recent Movie Reviews


Dark Sauce Dark Sauce

Rated 5 / 5 stars

Oh hey. A cool-ass vardo amination about a cool-ass game that I happen to fucking love. FUCKIN' SWEET.

And it's funny to boot. Really funny. One of my favorite moments really has to be halfway through. "Dark Souls! I keep forgetting that I'm playing Dark Souls". That just had me rolling. The art is sloppy and not the best, but hey, it's about the humor. And that's what counts. And what counts is that it's great. And I forgot where I was going with the counts. I can count to three. I am the Count.


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Villager Comes to Town Villager Comes to Town

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

Your animation could use a lot of improvement, and I could have stood to see more scenes of brutal carnage in-between the tree axing and fishing and burying. It would have been fun to see.

That said, it was still amusing, and the joke hasn't been totally run into the ground just yet. So yeah.



Starbarians - Episode 1.5 Starbarians - Episode 1.5

Rated 5 / 5 stars

I know that you may seek criticism or improvement...but I can't say much other than make more of this shit. It's funny as always, with fantastic art and great animation and music and acting and writing and...

...

Goddammit. You know what, take it. Take the stars and the favorite. Fucking hell, I can't find anything to criticize. Well, maybe the short length, but it's still a minute and a half of animation that blows most of the things here...hell, most of the things on TV away. And it actually makes sense that it wouldn't be as long because making it look good is far more important than making it long. That, and the joke was perfectly executed.


Recent Game Reviews


Troll Cannon 2 Troll Cannon 2

Rated 2 / 5 stars

LOLOLOLOLOLOL LE FUNNY MAYMAYS.

Godawful memes aside, the mechanics work, but there are so many other games that do the same, but better. Don't rely on unfunny and, frankly, shitty memes to try and net views from idiots. Make an original concept and make it work. Then people will love it. Or, rather, take an existing concept and build onto it. Don't make the same, only worse.



Harlem Shake Harlem Shake

Rated 0 / 5 stars

You know, I consider myself a relatively sane person. I may make suicide jokes often and have a sense of humor so black that you could sail ships through it can they'd get lost, but I am at least a semi-somewhat-maybe-a little-stable human being.

This game made me want to stab myself in the eyes, jump into oncoming traffic, drag my ruined corpse over the side of a bridge, hit a barge, wallow in the filth of the garbage and my own self-pity, before mercifully ending it all by summoning a meteor and obliterating myself and the planet.

I'm not exaggerating. This is probably one of the worst things that I've had the misfortune of playing. The graphics are atrocious. Yes, you went for "retro," but it was more or less for the sake of being cheap as all hell, not because of any stylistic choice. The sprites have little to no fucking animation! It was lazy! I mean, fuck, the main character only has two frames, and they're just fucking mirrored! The celebration sprite has four fucking frames, all mirrored! Every single character is a copy/paste of the others! EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. ONE. It's hideous!

The music makes me want to die. Not just because "Harlem Shake" is overused as fuck and pretty much goddamn annoying (at least to me, it is. But then again, I just hate most memes because I'm a curmudgeon), but because it's just...bad. Again, you went for Retro, missed the mark completely, except this time, instead of shitty artwork, you instead created ear rape.

And the gameplay...the gameplay is probably the worst part of the shitcake. And I do mean shitcake. The gameplay is a mockery of anything resembling "puzzles" and a "game." I mean, yes, this kind of game can be done right, but the controls don't feel good, the path is easy as fuck, and there is, and I fucking swear, an unreasonable time limit. I know that it's nice and difficult, and I do like difficulty, but setting us to a single, unchangeable speed and not allowing any way to beat some of these fucking levels in any kind of sane time limit? I mean, seriously, I stopped playing at level three!

It was at that point I started thinking to myself "Hey, maybe I don't need to get all these people to do this stupid fucking dance! As long as-OH WAIT NEVER MIND FUCKING HELL I NEED TO GET EVERYONE."

Add to that some outright broken coding (your mute. It's inconsistent. I mean if you can't even get your MUTE BUTTON RIGHT-)

Seriously, this is probably one of the worst cash-in games I have seen. It attempts to piggyback on a popular fad, but hey, guess what? It's a fad. It's going to go away very soon. Why? Because that's what fads fucking do.

Of course, I probably should have known what I was getting into. Your logo was horribly animated, dragged on for far too long, and had some of the most grating sound effects ever used stuffed into it.

I would offer some kind of constructive comment on top of all of this, but I can't think of anything to say other than this:

Stop.

Just.
Fucking.
Stop.

It's fucking lazy. It's fucking lazy and it shows. If lazy were a liquid, there would be a fucking massive river of it running from my screen and flooding my apartment. It's fucking lazy, and I hate it. It's fucking lazy, and you should hate yourself for it.


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Cathode Raybots Cathode Raybots

Rated 4.5 / 5 stars

This game. This fucking game. I fucking love this fucking game. Why do I fucking love this fucking game? I'll fucking explain why I fucking love this fucking game. Because why the fucking fuck not?

But seriously, brilliant concept. The idea of making custom bosses is simply brilliant. I cannot tell you how much of a blast it was to create a boss and set up a pattern for them to follow. It is simply a blast, and yes, it was more than worth it to see that pattern that I spent several minutes on being put onto an in-game robot.

The actual gameplay works just as well, with great movement. The controls are extremely tight. Like, Megaman levels of tight. It feels great to play, and the charge shot mechanic prevents spamming super powerful shots. With such nice controls, it should feel like the difficulty is pure and not-cheap, right? Right?!

Well, that's not so. Because Sturgeon's Revelation applies to everything, many of the user-created levels relied on vicious fake difficulty. The lack of a retry button was also annoying, as I couldn't retry beating that boss that kicked my ass just seconds before. Spamming is huge, and those black hole bombs are NGNNNNNNNNNGHHHHHHARHGGAAAAARGGGGGGGG GGGGGH-

But that's because of user-created content. That's a given, 90% of it is always going to be pure shit, but maybe preventing the knockback from the LOLBOMBSPAM from being so bad wouldn't have made it so annoying.

That said, the game is really solid. The controls are nice, many of the campaign bosses are very well-made, with patterns that can be seen and beaten with enough know-how and skill. I love the difficulty. I love the customization. I love the weapons and the art style, though customizing humans would have been a cool thing to do.

It's a solid game. One of the best around, and nothing's ever gonna bring it down until the next best game around.


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